Hanging in to just hang on

Last night I was having one of those nights.  You know, the kind that you are just...not yourself.  I was unbalanced, unsure and most importantly; I felt extremely unloved. I unloaded my thoughts on to someone that didn't deserve to be burdened by them, as much as I share in my writing there is much more I prefer to keep private.  After reading a torturously long text explaining my horrid mood, he said one thing, "Hang in there."  That is a typical male response and one I've heard plenty of times before, but this time it struck me.  It struck me so hard that I repeated it to myself over and over again, "Hang in there" and I realized, that's what I was sick of doing.  I'm sick of hanging in there.

I'm always hanging in there, just hanging by a thread after everyone else has shoved me far down the rope to leave me hanging at the end by myself.  I've taken a lot of emotional abuse from a handful of people over the years, people that should be standing beside me holding me up, not pushing to get ahead of me and shoving me down.  I've said it once before in my writing and I'll say it again; to know that the people in the world who are supposed to love you the most, openly admit they don't like you... is heartbreaking.  I've learned to deal with it and I've learned to hang in there.  As a child I was told, don't let it get to you, keep on being strong, so many other people love you... but what is it all worth when the love isn't from those you desire and deserve?

I said in my last blog "do not mistake my candidness for foolishness, regard it as a precursor to my loyalty."  That my dears, is the absolute truth.  I am the most loyal person you will ever meet.  Once you gain my loyalty you have me in your reign.  Today, I spent most of my day in bed with a good friend watching sports, discussing life and avoiding a hangover.  This friend gets me, he loves me and I will keep him forever as a best friend because our loyalty to each other is unwaivering.  He even said to me today, "You're too loyal, some people don't deserve that from you."  He was right.  When I prove my loyalties and they are disregarded by those closest to me, I realize it's time to reassess those relationships.  I must stop "hanging in there" in regards to the relationships that are getting me no where.

I don't need to hang on to relationships that only benefit one person, and always leave me scrambling to find my way back into the fold.  I don't want to hang in there anymore, I want to be comfortably stable in the midst of good friends, a loyal family and healthy relationships.  I know it's not too much to ask, infact I shouldn't have to ask it at all.  It's what I deserve.