He thinks I'm pretty, I think I'm not.

 

*Preface*

 I write for many reasons, one is because I can't afford a therapist.  Another is I'm pretty damn good at it.  The most important reason for me however is because I have been through some shit in my life and I know if I have, someone else has too.  I share my life experiences not because I'm proud of them or think I'm super cool, but because maybe I can help someone.  That's all I ever want to do.  

I have struggled my entire life with having low self esteem and playing the part of the ugly duckling. Only when I believe in myself do I feel like a swan.

I have had issues with my weight my entire life, I was made fun of growing up for being the fat girl and that hurt.  I was even removed from an elementary school for being constantly made fun of.  In high school I suffered from bulemia and anorexia and was absolutely tiny, I was the same height I am now and 75lbs lighter.  I still remember exact compliments I received that I cherished like, "Wow, I love that I can see your bones" or "You really are pretty when you lose weight"  ...And my favorite, "Wow, Walden you finally look like a girl." Thank goodness I had a few good friends that saw me for me, forced me to eat and ultimately face reality.  6 months of being in a size 6 was long enough. Also being 5'10 and a 32A was just ridiculous looking!

The hardest part for me to wrap my head around was that the one person I wanted to consider me beautiful never did.  I wasn't allowed to get my belly button pierced because my mother didn't want to be embarassed by me.  I'll never forget her bringing it up at a dinner with friends that she was baiting me into losing weight with getting it pierced.  "Once you become skinny, I'll consider it." I have struggled for as long as I can remember with having low self esteem, and getting backhanded compliments hurt more than they could ever help.

I tried to not let comments affect my personality and my self image but they did and finally one day, I just stopped hearing them because I couldn't anymore.  I blocked it out.  On my 23rd birthday my mom asked me why I couldn't be as pretty and skinny as my sister.  What a stab to the heart!  To hear that hurt more than words can describe.  Two days later, I got my 3rd tattoo, a large orchid on my shoulder.  An orchid is the flower of beauty; it is exotic, rare and hard to manage.  Too little love or too much and it will die.  I am an orchid. 

Recently I went out with a guy I'm seeing and my best guy friend, M.  When we were alone I confessed to M that everytime my guy told me I was beautiful it made me cringe and hurt inside because it felt like he was lying.  M looked at me so hurt and sincere and said "You ARE beautiful, you don't know it and I don't tell you enough, but you are."  For the first time in 8 years, M called me beautiful and I felt it was true. I don't lie to myself, I know I am not skinny. Fuck, I'm not even in shape like I was a year ago, but that's on me. I manage who I am and no one else can influence that anymore. I'm thick, I've got some rockin boobs and I kinda like it.  According to these guys, I am beautiful. I'll say it again, I am beautiful and I know it now! 

One of my childhood friends is currently struggling with her appearance and feels ugly compared to her sisters.  To you my friend: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE STRONG, YOU ARE WHOMEVER YOU WANT TO BE! Do not be miserable, find your inner strength, find what keeps you ticking and wind that clock up!  It's your time to be who you want to be, come over to the swan side!  It's great over here and you'll fit right in.