"Hi Ashley."

Lately I've had a few friends ask me when I am going to blog again and I have taken their concerns into consideration.  I feel like I have a ton of stuff going on in my life right now, but I don't really.  I just work a lot.  It's great to find a job where I am sitting here, in my office on a Saturday working with my dog by my side and I get to blog and do other fun stuff.  Trying to debate on what to write about and I'm stalling because I have no idea!  I haven't been dating much lately so no awesome stories about how ridiculous men are on first dates, no crazy drunken adventure stories, nothing that is blog worthy I fear. Wait...something just crossed my mind.... grab a cigarette and some whiskey, you are going to need it.

When I was 21 I worked for a country club, the stories I have could be an X-rated movie.  The ins and outs of the wait staff, the trysts with members, the secrets we hid, the times we danced on tables and did shots on Cinco De  Mayo after closing down.  Those were some of the best years of my life.  I gave 4 years to working on a golf course and I don't think I'll ever have that much fun again.

I met a man when I was 21 who was 11 years older than me, he was divorced, lived on the golf course, had a great job and knew all the right things to say at the right time.  He threw a line, and I was hooked.  I spent 2 years sneaking around, seeing him on the weekends and after I left work.  We never even had a real date until he moved out of state and I would go spend the weekend in his loft.  This wasn't a fairy tale, no matter how hard I tried to make it one. Taking showers at his place, did he think I didn't notice the woman's conditioner in the shower or her cigarette butts on his balcony?   I knew who she was, he sometimes brought her into the country club and I had to wait on them.  Can you imagine how heart wrenching that was?  There is the man who secretly begs you to drive out of state to see him, makes you feel like the world is your oyster and then he comes back to the place you first met & he brings his new chick for you to wait on...and give her Parliaments.  Honestly, he "dated" two girls at the same time that smoked the same odd cigarettes, oh we also looked alike and she had my sister's name.  Cool.

After a few years within driving distance he called and told me he was moving out west, I remember being so stoic.  He mentioned me coming with him and finishing up my degree, told me how much I would love it out west and talked about when he would fly me out to see him.  But I knew it was bullshit, I'm younger than you, not young and not naive.  He moved and I didn't pine or wait around for him, I dated had live-in boyfriends and moved on with my life...sorta.  I spent the first few years after he moved hanging out with his friends still here in Indiana.  Those two years are the biggest regrets of my life, why would a 23 year old girl hang out with 45 year old men every weekend?  I missed him.  I hated how I felt and I hated that I was trying to compensate for something that would never again matter. I moved on stopped thinking about him and our conversations dwindled to one short one every 3 or 4 months...until 2 months ago.

He called me in March, we had a few conversations and then one day out of the blue he told me he wanted me to meet him in Chicago for a weekend.  Within 3 seconds I reverted from a woman with 27 years of wisdom and grace to a 21 year old bouncing around at the thought of romantic weekend away in my favorite city.  We made plans and I was to go up and spend 2 days with him in the windy city.  He told me to meet him at Navy Pier at 8pm and my heart has never dropped so fast.  Navy Pier?  There was no way he could possibly remember that years ago, I told him that my dream date would occur at Navy Pier in the spring.  No way, he's not that smooth.  With the help of my two best friends I died my hair, got a spray tan, got my nails done spent over $200 on the perfect outfits.  I hadn't seen his face or touched his hands in over 4 years, I was a nervous ball of emotions. The day before my trip up to Chicago I was picking up a last minute pair of jeans, (because that's normal) and as I reached for my credit card I saw this on my phone:

"Hi Ashley.  Don't be mad at me, but you can't come to Chicago.  I'm sorry I feel really bad."

That ladies and gentlemen is how a heart breaks.  I froze, couldn't even get my credit card out of my wallet the woman at the register had to ask for it 3 times and then to do it for me.  "Hi Ashley." Seriously?  Was I getting fired or something?  Who begins a "I'm-gonna-break-your-heart-all-over-again" TEXT with "Hi Ashley."?  Furthermore, what 39 year old man texts something like that? Oh that's right, a coward who knew what he was doing wasn't about me being mad at him, he didn't want to hear the pain in my voice if he told me over the phone. Immediately I heard my friend Risa in my head "Don't do it man, don't trust him again. I don't want you to get your heart broken by this asshole again."  I once read somewhere that the most frustrating text for a man to receive is simply "K."  So instead of anger and rage or a phone call, I simply said "K."  I should have fucking listened to Risa.

Thank God my best friend was in town from LA when this happened.  She was able to handle the situation like a pro.  She got me out of the department store and into a bar where my sister coddled me with slurs of "Old Man Asshole" "Dick" and "I love you sister".  I never even had time to shed a tear between the shots and the jukebox. In the back of my mind I knew he was going to cancel on me, I just tried to avoid that thought.  I knew that it would never work out between us, a major part of our history is missing from this story, the part where I was the villain doing heinous things.  It's true, I hurt him in the past as well, and this move by him, I now consider it retribution. He hurt me, I hurt him, he hurt me... viscous cycle isn't it?

I've moved on from this disappointment.  I haven't thought about him much since.  I don't think about him in anyway more than "what I would say to him if I ever see him again?"... but given the circumstances...I'm sure I wouldn't have to say anything. 

So damn lucky that you went on ahead
You said, you said "I'll see you later"
I heard what you said a few minutes later
Now I'm sliding, everything's different again