Whistling while I work

In my life I get in "grooves" that I completely indulge in.  When in LA it was all about yoga.  A few months ago I attempted veganism, which lasted about a week.  For the past two months I have taken up gardening and I must admit my once called "black thumb" is actually pretty green.  I wake up every morning with pep in my step and a tune in my head so that I may tend to my tomatoes, squash, peppers and flowers graciously.  Working this way, every day, has made me a bit more content each day, which is all I can ask for right now. 

I am an "open book" as many can tell with my blogging, facebook and twittering; however, there is one piece of my life I rarely share.  I don't work.  I've been unemployed for almost 9 months now and although I enjoy my free time, I struggle daily with the fact I can't find a job.  For the first 5 months I refused to get out of bed until after 11 not due to my lazy nature, but instead due to the fact that every moment awake I would replay how I lost my job and how big of a failure I was.  I would wallow alone at home and put on a smiling face in front of my friends.  My mother calls almost every day and  harps on me about getting a job (as if I'm not looking,) the possibility of me moving to Texas (as if I wanted to go) and now the fact that I can no longer survive and I should consider giving up my house and my possessions.  The mere thought of this now makes me cry and feel utterly disappointed in myself.  I cannot imagine losing the things that I have worked so hard to gain, to have to start all over again and to bare the shame I feel just thinking about it.  This is my first house and I have put so much effort into making it a home, losing it would be absolutely crushing to my soul and pride.

So back to my garden... every day I get up and I work in my yard.  I crawl on the ground and pull weeds by hand.  I talk to my plants and tell them how gorgeous and fruitful they are.  I dig up plants to only replant them in another location. I do all this because this is MY garden and this is the one thing in my life right now I can control right now. I spend hours working in the yard without thinking of my current predicament.  I can't shop away my worries like I used to do, I don't go out on weekends and spend hundreds of dollars and I don't eat out whenever I feel too lazy to cook. Instead, I find pleasure everyday while burying my hands in dirt, if not for the only reason, this is my dirt. I'm so proud of it, everyone that comes over gets a tour of what I'm working on outside, I even invite others over just to see my accomplishments. I'm not going to give it up, I'm not going to let what I've spent so long cultivating die. I'm going to keep working my hardest every day, in everything I do and everything is going to turn out alright.