Trying it on for size

Some people have pre-determined futures that they work for their entire lives. As children they say "I want to be a doctor" or for those more like me "I want to be a dancer." Most have dreams of being married and having children...and then boom! 25 happens and they realize they've at least made some moves in their lives to get them where they want. Maybe this isn't the case with most of society, but for the people that have been in and out of my life over time, their pre-determined futures are spot-on.

I on the other hand, have no pre-determined future. I have constantly changed my direction in life for as long as I can remember. As a kid I wanted to be a teacher, a stay at home mom, a fashion designer for tall girls, a speech therapist, a wedding planner, a florist...and the list goes on and on. The one thing that stayed constant is that I've always wanted to help people, it's never made a difference how much money I make or the title I have, as long as I can go home at the end of the day and know that what I have done has helped someone, somewhere with something. When I was bartending putting myself through college it seemed everyday I was being asked the standardized question asked of college students...What do you want to do in life? I've never been able to answer that with a profession or a duty but simply with, I just want to help people. 

I recently helped one of my closest friends with her wedding, I was in charge of handling situations before she found out a situation occurred, keeping her from going insane, making sure her bridal party was comfortable and apparently figuring out what to do with 300 left over martini glasses, her cake, her grandmother's heirloom veil and anything else that found itself in my car. I received so many compliments at the wedding about having "it" all together and being a help to so many people and having the seemingly perfect life. The next day as I wandered aimlessly around my house feeling like I had been hit by a booze bus, I found myself staring into the mirror holding her grandmother's beautiful Italian lace veil and wondering "what if?" What if this is the closest I'll ever get to wearing a veil? What if I fall in love tomorrow and my life changes? What if this is just the beginning to a life of fun, single or not? When am I going to stop helping others all the time and give some help to myself? So I did what I thought best. I carefully spread the 15 foot antique veil, placed the amazing Italian crown over my head and stopped myself 3 inches short of actually trying it on. No way in hell was I going to curse myself by trying it on. Instead I just smiled and thought, even if I realize that I never want to be married, I'd look damn good in one of these things and it's about time I start living for me.

I don't have it all in life, far from it in fact, but I have what I need so far. So today I begin to help myself while helping others. No one will ever be perfect but I realize that I can be perfect at something and that's being me.

Perfectly pAsh... and so, it is.